As I Lay Me Down - Poem

As I lay me down to sleep
in the quiet of the night
I loose these tears I'm meant to keep
into a pillow, soft and white
As I lay me down to bed
in satin sheets of yellow gold
thoughts of you will fill my head
and all the love we couldn't hold
As I lay me down to rest
wishing you were by my side
I think on how we did our best
but in the end were still denied
As I lay me down to dream
just as the darkness settles in
I pray our love will be redeemed
that we can find what might have been


- Mandi Lynn © 2013

Crystal Tears - Poem

Crystal tears are falling

 down, down, down

all my fears came true

 lost within this simple sin

 I can't break free to You

See them falling

 down, down, down

all my years came undone

 haunted by the memories

 of a life I can't outrun

Crystal tears are falling

 down, down, down

what am I to do?

 how do I escape this simple guilt

 that keeps me far from You?

See them falling

 down, down, down

as I fall on my knees

 can't lift my head, can't raise my voice

 but still You hear my pleas

Crystal tears are falling

 down, down, down

as I feel within

 how Your love fills the whole

 caused by my simple sin

See them falling

 down, down, down

now I rejoice in You

 You forgave these sins I made

 so I could live anew

Crystal tears are falling

 down, down, down

see them fall no more

 with Your blood You wash away

 these tears that I abhore


- Mandi Lynn © 2013

Flower - Poem

Petals fall to the ground
 as the wind tears at her skin
banishing what's without
 and exposing what's within
She was a soft and delicate flower
 with a heart so pure and true
but now lies in the desert sun
 to dry the tears that fall for you
All of your secrets and your lies
 all of your promises broken
love was the only token
 yet from your lips remains unspoken
Pollen floating in the wind
 like all the tears she cried
the last petal falls to the ground
 at long last her love has died


- Mandi Lynn © 2013

FAM(ILY)

I'm sure you all have seen the photo that says:

Fri(END)

Boyfri(END)

Girlfri(END)

Bestfri(END)

Everything has an END except Fam(ILY) <= it has (I LOVE YOU)

I thought that it was pretty neat. Family – they are the foundation that made you who you are. Whether you’ve come from a bad childhood or a great one, from a family that was negligent or a model family that all other families should aspire to be like; their actions have affected you and impacted your life which led you to make the choices that have molded you into the person that you are today.

My family; what can I say about my family?

I had a wonderful childhood and my family loved me dearly. They were supportive, encouraging, and thoughtful. I am blessed with many happy memories from my youth.

I had a terrible childhood and my family didn’t know how to love me. They were unsupportive, demeaning, and careless. I am cursed with many unhappy memories from my youth.

You wouldn’t think it would be possible to say both things, but both things are true for me. Sometimes they were the former statement, sometimes they were the latter. I had just one family and we had many great moments together and many horrible moments together. Maybe it was me, maybe some days I was so horrible that they had to be horrible to me in turn. Maybe some days I was so wonderful that they were wonderful to me in turn. 

I’ve suffered abuse; I’ve experienced love.  

My parents gave me a stable home and so they gave me security. I’ve only ever seen my parents argue two times. This is not to say they never argued, but that they were smart enough to do it behind closed doors. They have never called each other nasty names or done things to hurt each other. Though they would often disagree, they wouldn’t turn it into a fight.

Both of my parents were hard workers. My father had the same job for eighteen plus years, until the economy fell through and the company went under. I've seen my dad go to work sick on plenty of occasions, unless he was dying he would go to work even in a snowstorm, I know, because it happened.

My parents were at odds with each other when it came to raising their three kids. My mother was the disciplinarian and my father was resigned. My mother was strict and overbearing where my father was lenient and permissive. I wish they could have molded together into one parental unit instead of being complete opposites.

My mother and I would argue terribly, perhaps because I’m a lot like her. My smart mouth was inherited from her after all. I also inherited her impatience, edginess, and anxieties. I wish I could have inherited my dad’s self-control and easy-going  demeanor.

My mother was not a monster. In fact, she is one of my best friends. She taught me a great deal of things. Most of my morals and values come from her. She taught me responsibility and loyalty. I got my love of reading, writing, and my ability to do well at school from her too. She gives me advice, is a comfort to me, and is always there when I need her. We had a lot of good times together. We had a lot of bad times together too.

Whenever she and I would get into a big disagreement, we would go into our separate rooms and write a letter to the other. We would communicate via letters so that we would listen without interrupting and work out the problem. I remember little drives we would go on late at night just to talk. I remember a mom who would brush my long brown hair and tell me that she loved me. A mom who would cry after we fought and tell me she was sorry for hurting me, for the horrible things she had said to me, for the horrible way she had treated me.

She would think it was her fault for being a bad mom. I would think it was my fault for being a bad daughter.

I had a horrible childhood and I had a wonderful childhood. It taught me many things and shaped me into who I am today. I’m really close to my family, so close that I picked up my life and followed them when they moved out of state. I can’t stand to be living an hour away from them now because it feels like so far.

I forgive my parents for all the mistakes they made in raising their children. I forgive them for the emotional and yes even physical abuse. I forgive them for all the things they did wrong because I know that they did their best and also because I can commend them for all of the many things they did right. I thank them for the love they gave, the support, and for the fact that I know I will always have a home and a family that I can depend on. I’m thankful they always kept us all close and together.

I’m thankful to my family; I’m thankful for my family. Although I hope to not make all the same mistakes they did, I know they will be there for me while I make my own mistakes. I’d be nothing without my family, after all, if not for them I wouldn’t even be alive.

Oh Beautiful Star - Poem

Oh beautiful Star

how you shine upon them

captivated by all that you are

they lose sight of themselves

Oh beautiful Star

so full of your gloriousness

they can't see that you're marred

just like the rest of us

Oh beautiful Star

so high above us all

but your beauty, it scars

it's dangerous to love you

Oh beautiful Star

keep shining on brightyly

you'll always be a star

and we're only human


- Mandi Lynn © 2012

Porcelain - Poem

A porcelain doll of such perfection
how they love your skin so fair
and the depths of your dark eyes
and your long and flowing hair
What an adored, beautiful angel
truly the perfect porcelain doll
but on the inside you are hollow
there is not beauty there at all
A porcelain doll of imperfection
with beauty that lies skin deep
their adoration of you is a misconception
a tragedy for which I weep
For I know that you are no angel
that you have fallen far from grace
you are just another devil in disguise
with a perfect porcelain face
And when that porcelain shatters
still they will not see
all the cracks in your character
that are very plain to me
You are their perfect porcelain goddes
their ever radiant porcelain queen
they will forever worship the mirage of you
never seeing the truth that I have seen

- Mandi Lynn © 2012

Who Are You?

          "Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You."

          - Dr. Seuss, Happy Birthday To You!

          When I was little, my mom used to have this joke going where she would say to me, "If I am me, and you are you, who are you?" and of course I would answer, "Me!" for which she would reply, "No, I am me, and you are you, so who are you?" and then I would say, "You!" and she would repeat the last phrase over again. It was a cute little joke I'm sure she picked up from somewhere and I would laugh afterwards and go and share it with someone else. The memory brings a warm little smile to my face thinking about simpler times when it didn't matter that I didn't know exactly who I was. Now, many years later, I'm still not really sure and I find that it's becoming an issue. 

          "Who are you?" I whisper to myself as I look despairingly into the mirror. Sure, there are plenty of labels that I could associate with myself, probably even a few rather unkind ones. But are those labels the sum of who I am? If so, I might be in trouble. "Who are you?" Regardless of what answer I could sum up for myself, the truth of it is I am not who I want to be.

          I've been doing some soul searching and thinking about what kind of fingerprint that I want to leave on this world after I'm gone and I am going to strive to become the person that leaves such a print. The problem is that I've spent twenty plus years becoming the person that I am today and so it is probably going to take a bit of time to become the more mature, more understanding, and more affectionate person that I want to be. And I hope that the past of who I have been will not constrain me from reaching the brighter, more beautiful future that I now seek. I'm quick to forgive, but I am not always quick to be forgiven. May those who know me for who I was not let the sum of my past mistakes keep them from seeing who I am and who I am yet capable of becoming. As I like to say, there is beauty in even the most unlikely of things when you look deep enough.

          "Who am I?" I am a work in progress, full of great potential wanting to burst free. I am someone with a mind capable of acheiving great knowledge, a heart capable of feeling great love, a mouth capable of bringing forth powerful words, and two hands capable of helping myself and others equally. With my ears I will listen, with my eyes I will see, and with my soul I will come to great understanding. You see, I am someone who wants to leave a positive impression everywhere I go and on everyone I meet; someone who is finding their voice and taking all of the small steps that make the biggest of differences in the most hopeless of places. And now that I have found out who I am, I wish to ask you one thing - "If I am me, and you are you, who are you?"